


We Live in Awkward Times, My Friend

by journeycat



Category: PIERCE Tamora - Works, Protector of the Small - Tamora Pierce, Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Comedy, Episodic Chapters, F/F, F/M, Multi, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 14:09:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4879792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/journeycat/pseuds/journeycat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of awkward situations in which her friends discover Kel has been...intimate with someone. Being as nosy as they are, they then proceed to embarrass her on their quest to discover who has "conquered" the unconquerable lady knight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Live in Awkward Times, My Friend

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter will feature Kel with a different partner and is wholly unrelated to another, save a couple of running gags. This is a big old pot of implausible silliness, but I enjoyed every moment writing this and I hope I'll be able to continue it soon.

"If you don't want children, then just don't bed her."

Nealan pivoted sharply, poked a long finger in his companion's chest, and said, "You have never sounded so unmarried in your entire life. Which, might I add, Jesslaw, is all of it."

"Not for long," Owen said cheerfully, unruffled. "Margarry and I are getting married in just two months' time."

"I still can't believe you're wedding a Cavall," Faleron said, shaking his head. "It's almost absurd."

"It's not absurd," Owen said. "She likes dogs and horses—"

"—as much as you do," Neal finished. "Trust me, we know."

"I'm happy for you, Owen."

"Thank you, Kel."

"Don't encourage him."

Keladry eyed Merric. "He's making a decision to spend the rest of his life with one person. Forever. That's a huge thing. I'm proud of him." She absentmindedly touched her pregnancy charm through her shirt.

Neal groaned. "Gods, Kel, you make it sounded so... _final_."

"I hadn't meant to. Besides, you're happy with Yuki, aren't you?"

"Well, sure," he said. "That doesn't mean I want to be reminded of the fact I made a huge life-altering decision to spend the rest of my life with one person."

_Funny_ , she thought, _he went from being typical Neal to being moody whenever she wasn't around to being, well, back to Neal. It's a good thing she understands him, or at least as much as anyone can understand him_.

"Exactly why are we here again?" Seaver asked.

Indeed, it was a fairly good question. The five of them were following Neal down the unmarked streets of Corus. Although none of them really knew where they were going, he at least seemed to have a grasp on his bearings, because he was strutting confidently around shops and stalls. They trailed vaguely after him.

"I told you," Neal said, "I want to buy a pregnancy charm for Yuki."

"That explains why you're here," Faleron said, "but I fail to see why you dragged us here."

"I asked Kel to come with me, not you lot."

"Why _did_ you ask me along, anyway?"

"Because you're a girl," he explained. "I knew you would give me moral support."

"For what?" Merric asked irritably, dodging an overturned melon cart. "You're buying a pregnancy charm for your wife. It's perfectly natural. I don't know why you had to bring Kel along. What's she going to do, test it out for you? Why didn't you just ask your father for one? Or make one yourself? You're a healer."

Neal glared and said, "If I asked my father for one, he'd just tell Mother, and then I'd have to hear their long spiel about how long they've been waiting for grandchildren. I feel weird making one myself because I feel like I'm killing my own children. And I asked Kel here because—because I wanted her to buy it for me."

Faleron snorted. "Are you saying that you're scared to buy a pregnancy charm?"

"I'm not scared," Neal said defensively, flushing as Seaver and Owen snickered behind him. "I just didn't want to buy one."

"Sure." Faleron rolled his eyes. "All right."

"Here we are," Neal said loudly.

They all stopped in front of a small, neat shop, almost hidden between two large clothing shops. The windows and doorway were dark. It didn't seem shady, but one never really knew what kind of shops people set up on the streets of Corus.

"This is it?" Owen said doubtfully. "We followed you all the way down here for this?"

"I told you, you didn't have to," Neal said, annoyed. He started through the door.

"It's not like any of us had anything better to do," Faleron said dryly.

They all followed Neal hesitantly through the door. Inside, it was dim but not as dark as it outwardly seemed. A couple lanterns were lit around the small room. It smelled of incense, but not strongly—a pleasant, strange scent of something like honeysuckle. There were charms hanging from rafters, with jewelry and sticks of incense neatly arranged on shelves. It was actually pretty, it a subtle sort of way.

"How did you find this?" Merric asked.

"The Lioness is a healer," Neal told him. "She showed me some things when I served her every whim. And this is out of the way. There's no way it can get back to Father, so I don't have to listen to his and Mother's woeful grandchild speech."

"I recognize that voice," someone said quietly. "Unfortunately."

Neal shot Kel a baleful look when she covered her giggle with a cough.

"And he's brought friends." A woman appeared around a tall bookshelf. She was unassuming, dressed in plain attire with dark hair streaked with silver. "I hope they're quieter than this one."

"You'll be hard-pressed to find someone who isn't," Owen quipped.

She smiled. "So, Neal, what brings you to my shop?"

He glanced hopefully at Kel. She stared back. He sighed, then said, "I need a—charm."

The healer arched an eyebrow and said, "For the newly married knight? I understand. Here." She plucked one seemingly at random and offered it to him, adding, "I imported the ribbon from the Yamani Islands. Your bride will appreciate it, I think."

Neal smiled gratefully at her. "Thank you. How much?"

As he dug around his purse for some coins, the boys looked around at all the merchandise. Kel watched them and said, "Just don't touch anything. Remember what happened last time you guys were around breakables?"

"I still put that on Owen," Merric said. "If he had just kept his hands off that glass bowl—"

"It doesn't matter who did it," Kel interjected as Owen opened his mouth to retort, "just that it happened."

And then the healer said, "Milady, when did you get that pregnancy charm?"

Kel fought a blush as her friends stared at her. She touched it again through her shirt. She was sexless to them; the fact she had a charm seemed to douse that theory. "I think sixteen," she admitted, avoiding Neal's intense gaze.

"You need a new one," the woman said matter-of-factly. "The magic's gone."

"G-Gone?" Merric sputtered. "How does a pregnancy charm just go bad?"

"Usually after ten years or so, it tends to wears off," she said. She was staring at Kel with an eerily knowing look. "But you can't be more than—what, eighteen? Nineteen?"

"Then how would it have gone bad?" Kel asked in a strained voice.

The healer was fiddling with some hanging charms. She didn't look at her when she said carefully, "Well, sometimes charms will lose its protection against pregnancy if the wearer has been having a lot of sex at one time. Like all day."

Something crashed behind her, but Kel didn't even blink. She stared at the back of the woman's head, wishing she could crawl under the floor. She was distinctly aware of several pairs of eyes focusing disbelievingly on her. She did a laudable job of maintaining her Yamani Mask, but there wasn't much she could do about her burning cheeks. She watched helplessly on as the healer politely excused herself to a back room, leaving Kel at the mercy of her prying friends.

"I'm married," Neal said blankly, "to a beautiful woman, mind you, and I have yet to experience the joy of all-day sex. Tell me, what does it take? "

"I don't know what she's talking about," Kel said, but she could see they clearly did not believe a word of it.

"Goddess, Kel," Owen said, awed, "that's some stamina!"

Faleron looked horrified. "I don't want to hear about that."

"The fact you're having sex at all surprises me, frankly, I don't know how you find the time—"

" _Neal_ —"

"What Kel does in her private time is her own business," Seaver said. She smiled gratefully at him, but he didn't see it; he was staring bemusedly at the wall.

"Who is it?" Owen asked.

"No one," she muttered. "Really, I don't know what she's talking about."'

"Do we know him?"

"No! Of course not!"

"Ha!" Neal pointed a finger at her accusingly. "We do, don't we? Is he a knight? Oh, gods, if it's Garvey, we'll need to have a talk—"

"It most certainly isn't Garvey," Kel replied, annoyed. "At least, it wouldn't be."

"We know, Kel," Faleron said kindly. "Please, stop pretending. You're not fooling anyone."

"If it's my cousin, I swear, I'll kill him."

"You mean Dom?"

"Oh, it is," Neal groaned, clutching at his chest. "I can see it in your face. It's not enough to bed half the palace, he had to make a go at my best friend. Stay away from him, Kel, he's a bad egg."

"It's not Dom." She rolled her eyes, trying to get a grasp on the situation. "Really, boys, it's not a big deal. Can we just change the subject? Please?"

"Is that why you were absent from supper yesterday?" Seaver asked the wall.

"You know," Faleron said slowly, "you weren't at midday meal, either."

"Or breakfast," Owen said.

"Come to think of it, you weren't even at supper the day before yesterday," Neal said. He shuddered.

Owen said, "If he's a knight or palace official, we can figure out who wasn't in the mess hall the same time as Kel…"

"…thus figuring out who she's been wearing out that cursed charm of hers with," Neal finished triumphantly. "The process of elimination."

"Why does it matter?" Kel all but begged. "Owen, please—Neal—"

"As repulsive as I find prying into your business," Neal said, "as your best friends, it's our duty to make sure you don't get involved with the wrong sort."

"I can look out for myself," she snapped. _Once they start with the elimination_ , she thought with a sick feeling, _they'll figure it out, and there goes our low-profile relationship…_

"Did you and Cleon—?" Faleron began with narrowed eyes.

"No," she said loudly.

Seaver was very pale. "This is not how I thought this day would go," he said to no one. "Really, I don't want to know about anybody's love life."

"Who wasn't at meals the same time she wasn't?" Neal said.

"Wyldon wasn't there for supper," Faleron said, looking like he was about to faint.

"Oh, but he was there for breakfast," Owen reassured him.

Neal asked quickly, "Did anyone see Garvey?"

"What's with your creepy obsession with Kel and Garvey?"

"It's not an _obsession_."

"Numair…"

"Master Oakbridge…"

"Zahir…"

"Yancen…"

"Alanna…"

"Really, Seaver, she's sexually active, not insane."

"This has gone on quite eno—"

"Merric…"'

Suddenly, everything went very quiet. Kel covered her face with her hands, determined never to look at anything ever again. Still, in spite of herself, she peeked through her fingers just in time to watch as Neal's head slowly, oh so slowly, turned in Merric's direction. Soon, Owen, Faleron, and Seaver followed suit. She couldn't help it; she glanced helplessly at him as well.

Merric had blushed so red his face outshone his hair, an incredible feat. He was staring resolutely up at the ceiling. She watched as the flush traveled down his neck and disappeared under his tunic. She knew for a fact that when he got nervous or otherwise…excited…he got red all over…

_Not now_ , Kel ordered herself. _When all this is over, you can skip supper again_.

The thought of what would happen if she said that out loud surprised a small giggle out of her. Instantly, their heads whipped around to glare fiercely at her. She wiped the smile off her face.

"Merric," Owen said, stunned. "I didn't even think it would be a year-mate."

"She must have a fancy for redheads," Seaver said.

"It's not a fancy!"

"Way to go, cousin," Faleron said slyly, nudging Merric in his side. "I didn't think you had it in you."

"I had to play the elimination game," Neal said glumly.

They all shared a moment of immensely uncomfortable silence before Kel could finally say, "Now, will you please, please drop it? And don't tell anyone. We didn't—don't want this to get out."

"Anything you say," Seaver said hastily, tripping over himself in his hurry to exit.

"Not a problem," Owen agreed on his way out.

Faleron only shook his head, chortling as he followed Owen. Neal sighed as the healer suddenly reappeared. She said airily, "This is an extra-strong charm, made for those more amorous than others."

Kel fumbled for her purse. Neal sighed again, a little more heavily, and flipped the healer a coin. "This one's on me. And don't argue. This is my apology for interrupting your shenanigans."'

"So mote it be," Merric said sarcastically.

Neal scowled as he passed him.

The healer once again disappeared into the back room without a word. Kel wondered suspiciously how much she heard before.

"So," Merric drawled, more comfortable now that it was just them, "care to try out that new charm of yours?"

"I might have seen an inn on the way here," she said innocently.

He said, with a crooked smile, "Lead the way, lady knight."

\----------

"Where's Kel?" Esmond asked as he set his tray down beside Faleron.

Seaver took an extra big swallow of his water and gagged.

"For future reference," Neal said, stabbing some asparagus with his fork, "if she's not at this table, don't mention her name. Ever."

Esmond eyed them suspiciously and said, "Well then, where's Merric?"

"Esmond," Faleron sighed, setting down his tankard, "just don't speak. Ever."


End file.
